God of Process

The other day I saw a friend in tears. She was talking to another friend and as I approached, I heard her say, “Some people walk through their trials beautifully, like Jenn.” Stunned, I didn’t know what to say. That’s the last thing I would think about myself. I mumbled something along the lines of, “You just don’t always see me.”

Her raw and tender statement continues to echo in my thoughts. I would never say that the way I process challenges is beautiful. Some people look cute when they cry. I do not. Some people seem calm, thoughtful and articulate with their words. I feel like mine can erupt like a volcano, scatter and make no sense.

There are times I think I handle difficult situations well. But there are plenty of other times where I feel like the whirlwind of my emotions are written all over my face and even show in the way I carry myself. Other times I try to put on a friendly smile and act like all is well because I know that’s how I should be feeling if I’m truly trusting God.

It got me thinking. I tend to be a peacekeeper. I want everyone to be happy and everything to be OK. When I try to act like all is well, or in other words, when I try to maintain my own composure, I’m trying to be a peacekeeper for myself. I’m not only hiding my feelings from everyone around me, I’m hiding them from me! I even find myself being less than honest with God, which is silly…because He’s God. We can’t hide from God. But when I’m frustrated, confused, hurt, sad, angry or any other emotion, I’ll push those feelings down deep and they become like multiple layers of a messy lasagna; a hot, gooey mess. When I do that, it gets hard to discern what I’m really experiencing. Any other emotional pasta makers out there?

As delicious and satisfying as pasta can be, if we think we’re hiding our feelings from God, we’re really just robbing ourselves of the experience of processing them with Him. God wants to be a part of all that our hearts go through, including the hard times. He is our safe place, our refuge and our strength (Psalm 62:5-6).

I’m so thankful for this promise. I’m thankful for all of God’s promises! We can always rely on God’s Word. We can always access Him through prayer. But knowing things can be very different from how things feel. And sometimes it can feel like we’re in it alone. So we keep our struggle to ourselves. If this is you. I understand. It happens to me too.

This is the part where I wish I was sitting across from you because I would tell you this: You are not alone. You don’t have to hide or feel ashamed or bury anything from God. He knows you. He loves you. He’s with you. No matter how well you’re handling your situation.

When I think back to my friend saying that I walk through trials beautifully, I wish I would’ve had my wits about me to tell her that not all things are how they seem. I’m learning to allow myself to process the things that feel tender to my heart with God. And sometimes the processing isn’t pretty. It’s rarely pretty…at first. But here’s the beautiful part, God is a God of process. Whatever we’re going through, He’s a part of it with us. We can trust our hearts with His perfect process.